luv lost n found

happy new year!

i know, we are already in the month of february but i have not written since october…

life is so much better. i was feeling so insecure about the last guy…he backed away and it took me a minute to to be content with that but i sooo am. i began to date an ex shortly afterwards, in october, and now in february, i am so happy i did. i dated this guy years ago and happened to see him one day on my way to work. we decided to keep in touch. i could tell he wanted to see me again, at least sexually, but i wasn’t sure. i liked him so much before that i was afraid…but i did it anyway and have never looked back.

so now it’s february and we are still seeing each other. exclusively. and it feels good. he and i had a great relationship years ago but i let my “friends” influence my decision on breaking up with him. but this time around is different. i am confident in what we have. he has issues with the whole “label” thing but it’s ok. i do see him trying to work through them and let me in more and more. i have my own issues, with abandonment; they have been rearing their evil heads recently. and i am so ready to work through them…so our situation works for now. 

one thing i love is that we are friends first; we have a very strong friendship and it makes the romantic part easier. and the fact that we both know we have issues and are willing to go slow and be conscious of them i think is a good thing. 

i feel so happy to have him in my life. it’s been such a beautiful surprise. but i’ve been trying to get used to the fact that he genuinely likes me. that hasn’t happened to me often in my life. i’m used to either dating guys who i feel whatever about or lusting after guys who feel whatever about me. so it feels a little awkward to be with someone who likes me as much as i like him…i know it’s sad; but i find myself questioning how much he really likes me even though i know he does. i am always trying to be “perfect” as so to hope that he doesn’t want to leave. and recently i recognized these as the same feelings i had as a child when my father left. i remember thinking that way in junior high, wondering what i could do to make him want to be a part of my life…

and that is why i am ok with no defining what i have with “him.” cuz i really want to work through these feelings. i wanna feel confident in what we have, and let go of the built up resentment i have towards my father. so because i can’t afford therapy, i have decided to buy some books on it. i found one book that is actually a workbook. think it will be a good thing with helping deal with this.

i hate being vulnerable. guess that’s why i’ve been single for so long.

so i have been “seeing” this guy for a little over a month now. and i feel like he is beginning to lose interest. but it’s funny- when we are together, the sparks are flying everywhere, people say they can see it. but he has not been coming to see me as often as before. and has slowed down on calling/texting me as well. maybe i am just one of a bunch of women he is dating. or maybe he is a sabotoger like me. who knows. i feel like shit cuz i don’t know what to do, what to say, how to react. sometimes i just wish things were easier.

…

i’m getting too old to keep on having anxiety attacks about this. i would have thought that at my age i would have it all figured out, for the most part, but i kinda feel more overwhelmed than i did in my early 20s. i thought dating was going to be fun but i keep having these damn attacks that i don’t know what to do. sometimes i ask myself why is this such a big deal to me? why do i want this to happen so badly? guess cuz i feel like i have everything else a person could want except that. except love. and as i get older and more of my friends get married and have children, i wonder, what about me? what am i doing wrong? how can i make it right? what am i missing? i hate feeling like this. i hate the fact that my thoughts are consumed by this guy, with being in love. i wish i could go back a month ago and have declined to go out with him. my life was easier that way. i was more focused a month ago. and now i’m all frazzled about this situation.

i probably should go to therapy. again.

been waking up to anxiety attacks recently. there are a lot of amazing stuff happening in my life right now. but i think the anxiety is coming from dating this new guy. i like him and i know he likes me too but i am having doubts about him. why? hhhmmm…because i’m crazy!

he hasn’t really done anything for me to be all crazy like this. i think that the sabotager in me is just ready to come in and kick him out. guess it’s just fear. i am just so used to being single that i kinda don’t believe that anyone would like me. i know, sad but true. but the crazy part is that i feel like in theory, guys would like me. i’m attractive, fun, easy going. but in reality, it never pans out that way so i guess i have come to believe in that as truth. i really feel like there are 2 kinds of people in the world- those who are able to attract relationships and those would aren’t. and obviously i fit into the latter.

as i write this, i just know it’s so silly and stupid to think this way. i know that u create ur destiny and are able to attract what u want simply by thinking differently. but i can’t help but to feel so helpless, so…cursed. and the situation is really not that deep. i haven’t even kissed the guy. but i guess my sabotager is way engrained in me than i thought.

i wanna just blame my dad for not being there. blame my mom for deciding to be single for most of my life. but in the end, this is my problem i have to deal with. and for the most part, i keep it to myself because i know i sound silly. so i continue to try to shake this feeling the only way i know how to- staying busy with work. i know i hide behind my work and is almost a conscious decision. and i know the problem doesn’t really go away, but in the short term, it feels good.

…

i just wanna matter to someone. does that make sense? i just want to have someone love and care about me, who wants to be around me and spend time with me and grow and change with me. i wanna share love with someone.

i don’t write often but glad that i have this outlet cuz i am not sure if i can talk to anyone fully about this.

went out on a “date” for the 1st time in about a 1 1/2 yrs. had a great time with the guy. and though he wasn’t my type, i found myself liking him. and the feeling felt very mutual. we had our 2nd date today. and i don’t know. i like him but i am not sure if it will develop into anything. he just doesn’t seem interested in any type of relationship. and not that i am trying to jump into 1 now, but i would like to meet a guy who is at least open minded about being in one. i don’t know.

sometimes i think i live in lala land, of thinking that loving partnerships/relationships do exist. but somehow it never works out for me. i know, this is only our 2nd date but he kept on saying how he “loves his freedom” and “does not feel like compromising.” wtf? but then we spoke about being in love and his view was very negative cuz he was hurt. so i understand him professing his freedom. but i am not in the space right now to want to wait and see if he changes his mind. i’m just not.

my friend calls me a sabotager. she says i am always finding something wrong. she might be kinda right. but at my age, i just think that if i see signs, i should just go the other way. but what makes it hard is that i do think he is dope. which sucks. big time.

but it is also crazy how this is bothering me. i told myself that i would just go with the flow and enjoy his company & see what happens. but i guess being my typical self, it is hard not to think about a future. i do want to challenge myself and just be in the moment but i also do not want to waste my time. *sighs* what’s a girl to do?

or maybe it’s not that deep. maybe i just need to make a decision. continue to go out with him cuz i like his company. or dead it now.

or maybe i am saying i don’t want a relationship when i really do. i mean, i really want to get to know someone and see it progress into something more. i want companionship. i want to be with someone exclusively. to love them openly. to have a equal level relationship that has great communication, respect, love and joy. someone who has my back and loves being around me. who doesn’t feel like it is a chore or that he is compromising who he is to be with me. u feel me?

maybe i am thinking about this too hard…damn why did i have to like him?

i miss trusting someone so much that you can be yourself around them. i don’t think i’ve ever truly mastered that, but seeing myself let go and trust someone makes me wanna experience it more.