i don’t write often but glad that i have this outlet cuz i am not sure if i can talk to anyone fully about this.
went out on a “date” for the 1st time in about a 1 1/2 yrs. had a great time with the guy. and though he wasn’t my type, i found myself liking him. and the feeling felt very mutual. we had our 2nd date today. and i don’t know. i like him but i am not sure if it will develop into anything. he just doesn’t seem interested in any type of relationship. and not that i am trying to jump into 1 now, but i would like to meet a guy who is at least open minded about being in one. i don’t know.
sometimes i think i live in lala land, of thinking that loving partnerships/relationships do exist. but somehow it never works out for me. i know, this is only our 2nd date but he kept on saying how he “loves his freedom” and “does not feel like compromising.” wtf? but then we spoke about being in love and his view was very negative cuz he was hurt. so i understand him professing his freedom. but i am not in the space right now to want to wait and see if he changes his mind. i’m just not.
my friend calls me a sabotager. she says i am always finding something wrong. she might be kinda right. but at my age, i just think that if i see signs, i should just go the other way. but what makes it hard is that i do think he is dope. which sucks. big time.
but it is also crazy how this is bothering me. i told myself that i would just go with the flow and enjoy his company & see what happens. but i guess being my typical self, it is hard not to think about a future. i do want to challenge myself and just be in the moment but i also do not want to waste my time. *sighs* what’s a girl to do?
or maybe it’s not that deep. maybe i just need to make a decision. continue to go out with him cuz i like his company. or dead it now.
or maybe i am saying i don’t want a relationship when i really do. i mean, i really want to get to know someone and see it progress into something more. i want companionship. i want to be with someone exclusively. to love them openly. to have a equal level relationship that has great communication, respect, love and joy. someone who has my back and loves being around me. who doesn’t feel like it is a chore or that he is compromising who he is to be with me. u feel me?
maybe i am thinking about this too hard…damn why did i have to like him?
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