been waking up to anxiety attacks recently. there are a lot of amazing stuff happening in my life right now. but i think the anxiety is coming from dating this new guy. i like him and i know he likes me too but i am having doubts about him. why? hhhmmm…because i’m crazy!
he hasn’t really done anything for me to be all crazy like this. i think that the sabotager in me is just ready to come in and kick him out. guess it’s just fear. i am just so used to being single that i kinda don’t believe that anyone would like me. i know, sad but true. but the crazy part is that i feel like in theory, guys would like me. i’m attractive, fun, easy going. but in reality, it never pans out that way so i guess i have come to believe in that as truth. i really feel like there are 2 kinds of people in the world- those who are able to attract relationships and those would aren’t. and obviously i fit into the latter.
as i write this, i just know it’s so silly and stupid to think this way. i know that u create ur destiny and are able to attract what u want simply by thinking differently. but i can’t help but to feel so helpless, so…cursed. and the situation is really not that deep. i haven’t even kissed the guy. but i guess my sabotager is way engrained in me than i thought.
i wanna just blame my dad for not being there. blame my mom for deciding to be single for most of my life. but in the end, this is my problem i have to deal with. and for the most part, i keep it to myself because i know i sound silly. so i continue to try to shake this feeling the only way i know how to- staying busy with work. i know i hide behind my work and is almost a conscious decision. and i know the problem doesn’t really go away, but in the short term, it feels good.
…
i just wanna matter to someone. does that make sense? i just want to have someone love and care about me, who wants to be around me and spend time with me and grow and change with me. i wanna share love with someone.
