i hate being vulnerable. guess that’s why i’ve been single for so long.
so i have been “seeing” this guy for a little over a month now. and i feel like he is beginning to lose interest. but it’s funny- when we are together, the sparks are flying everywhere, people say they can see it. but he has not been coming to see me as often as before. and has slowed down on calling/texting me as well. maybe i am just one of a bunch of women he is dating. or maybe he is a sabotoger like me. who knows. i feel like shit cuz i don’t know what to do, what to say, how to react. sometimes i just wish things were easier.
…
i’m getting too old to keep on having anxiety attacks about this. i would have thought that at my age i would have it all figured out, for the most part, but i kinda feel more overwhelmed than i did in my early 20s. i thought dating was going to be fun but i keep having these damn attacks that i don’t know what to do. sometimes i ask myself why is this such a big deal to me? why do i want this to happen so badly? guess cuz i feel like i have everything else a person could want except that. except love. and as i get older and more of my friends get married and have children, i wonder, what about me? what am i doing wrong? how can i make it right? what am i missing? i hate feeling like this. i hate the fact that my thoughts are consumed by this guy, with being in love. i wish i could go back a month ago and have declined to go out with him. my life was easier that way. i was more focused a month ago. and now i’m all frazzled about this situation.
i probably should go to therapy. again.
